“After all, life is a joke” Charles Chaplin.
As months, years go by, I feel this truth welded deeper and deeper in what could be the remains of my soul.
In a precipitate fall, my mind only craves… silence. I’m not sure we have a fate sewed to our spine or if our nature forces our steps in the direction straight to the same cliff again and again. Is there something we can control? I assume, there is not except for your reactions.
You can’t help the way you feel or see things, at least I cannot. Taking this into consideration, you realise you can really not blame anyone for anything. Everything comes down to a lack of comprehension between individuals, who can’t see one another’s reasons, as a colour-blind can’t see certain colours.
We live our lives fleeing sadness and pain. Like they are not going to follow you everywhere. Tired of looking for myself, I just now surrender to the waves of, sometimes catastrophic, sometimes fortunate, events of life.
I have always been oblivious to what people do, I really don’t pay attention. If someone wants to talk to me, I’m all ears but I’m not the one to formulate a single question. I now understand this is a part of my desire for silence and solitude.
Our worst fears are just reflections of our problems, only bubbles which time will blow away or explode. Every day I’m less crafted at feeling emotions or even showing them. There are only a few things that move me. The rest… is all emptiness. Things lose importance at a shuddering pace, and my mind feels much emptier. Thoughts bother me like fruit flies, I can’t even listen to music. I don’t feel excited, but I feel at peace. From outside, it could be mistaken by sadness, but sad I am not. Calm, otherwise.
I consciously train myself to tolerate behaviours that unsettle or irritate me. Because I know the responsibility is mine, to learn to live and be around other people. Slowly, during my life, I have worked hard on controlling my negative and childish emotions, such as being impulsive or aggressive, and now I get away from them. You won’t see me letting go a bad word to anyone, because my mental process is too long to keep the anger until I’d do something like that. I just remove them from my life or try to show my point of view.
I deeply admire people who have the reigns of their behaviour and negative emotions. That is the key to avoid anger and hate, (and most importantly, avoid being childish) which rot your soul and only leave a stain of mould.
Adding hate to something you don’t like, turns you into the responsible for the situation not being solved in an adult way. It doesn’t matter what people do, what counts is how you react to it. And not acknowledging (I guess, once I die, I will) if it’s by the hand of an almighty God or a balancing Universe, I have more than verified in my years, you get what you give.
And please don’t take this as a literal statement. People react to the way you are. And respect and love you (or not) by what you provoke in them. It’s not a deliberate process, it’s human nature. Human? No, pardon me, our soul’s nature.
That’s why (and I don’t say “we”, because I’m no judge to talk on anyone’s behalf) I train myself to perfect not only my superficial reactions, but how things get into my mind and how I do manage them. In my opinion that is our only duty in life. To perfect our souls, indifferently of what you believe in.
We must learn. From everything. From our kids, from how others are around us, from our parents, from our mistakes, from others’ mistakes. There is something I don’t share with or even respect. The eternal excuse “I’m just like this”. With that simple way out, many people get away with believing they can’t do anything to become a better version of themselves, or even that others must put up with their defects just —because they are this way.
We are our worst enemy, and the way we lie to ourselves is the path to our perdition. Blaming others (“they don’t understand me”, “I’m not playing victim, I am the victim”, “they always do the same”, “this isn’t fair”, “why me”, feeling offended or being susceptible), believing that things are not our fault, not feeling responsible when things don’t go right like everything is due to another person’s actions or behaviour, and you have nothing to do with it.
At the moment that you interact with another person, you become co-responsible foranything that might happen, by means of your reactions or your own behaviour. Blaming others is just a projection of the fear of guilt, which all of us try to avoid since is the most devastating of the human emotions.
My conclusion is simple: our time here is precious. Not, I do believe, to achieve ambitious goals, fame and money, but to invest it in what is really important. All the hours we lose doing something useless is the time you lose from playing with your kid, enjoying your family, reading a good book, helping someone, or retaking a sport.
At the end of the day, the love that you have given is only what others will remember from you, since death writes a period at the end of the line, and what you have done wrong, has no longer a solution.